Every coaching conversation contains two conversations.

One is obvious- it’s the conversation with the client.

The other is the conversation we are having with ourselves, and whilst that second conversation is invisible, it often has just as much influence on the quality of the coaching.

The quality of our coaching depends on both.

 

The Conversation We Rarely Notice

As coaches, we spend years learning how to listen more deeply, ask better questions and create the conditions for insight.

Yet we rarely talk about the constant stream of thinking running alongside the session and the effect it can have if we’re not aware of it.

It might sound familiar:

“I think I know what’s going on here.”

“They’re avoiding the real issue.”

“This isn’t moving fast enough.”

“I need a better question.”

“I’ve heard this before.”

“I need to ask a more powerful question.”

“This session isn’t going very well.”

This is simply what minds do, we think. The problem isn’t that these thoughts appear. The problem comes when we unknowingly start coaching from them.

Without realising it, our attention shifts away from the client and towards our own interpretation of what’s happening. Instead of listening with fresh curiosity, we’re listening through the filter of our own conclusions, looking for evidence that supports what we’ve already decided.

When that happens our thinking becomes another participant in the room.

 

When Understanding Gets in the Way

This is one of the reasons I often say that I don’t need to understand my client.

That sometimes surprises coaches, particularly those who are keen to develop expertise in areas such as ADHD, trauma, burnout or neurodiversity. Whilst having knowledge can certainly be helpful in understanding context, it can also create an illusion that we already know what this client’s experience means.

The more certain we become that we understand, the greater the risk that we stop being curious. We begin to fill in the gaps ourselves instead of allowing the client to discover them. We ask questions that make sense to us rather than questions that open up new thinking for them.

We begin listening for evidence that we’re right; we start deciding where the conversation needs to go.

We ask questions that satisfy our curiosity rather than serving the client’s learning.

Before long we’re no longer partnering with the client, we’re partnering with our own assumptions.

This is one reason why experienced coaches can sometimes find themselves making bigger assumptions than newer coaches. Experience gives us patterns to recognise, but it can also tempt us to believe we already know what’s going on.

We don’t. Every client is experiencing their world in a way that only they can fully understand.

 

Noticing Rather Than Believing Your Thinking

I’m not suggesting that coaches should somehow stop thinking-that would be impossible.

What matters is noticing when our thinking has become louder than our client’s

The moment we recognise that we’re trying to solve, interpret, rescue, impress or steer the conversation towards our own idea of where it should go, we have a choice.

We can continue following our own thinking, or we can return our attention to the only conversation that really matters – your client’s.

That is often where presence begins.

Not by trying harder to be present, but by becoming less absorbed in the conversation we’re having with ourselves.

Ironically, when we become less caught up in our own thinking, the more available we are to theirs.

 

Presence Begins with the Coach 

Our job as coaches is to help our clients understand themselves.

That requires us to be willing to let go of our need to make sense of everything we hear.

It means becoming comfortable with uncertainty and trusting that awareness belongs to the client, not to the coach.

When we let go of our need to make sense of every word, clients often begin making sense of their own experience in ways neither of us could have predicted.

Perhaps coaching presence isn’t simply about being fully present with another person.

Perhaps it’s also about not becoming entangled in the conversation we’re having with ourselves.

 

A Question to Take Into Your Next Session

During your next coaching session, notice your own internal conversation.

As you finish your next coaching session, pause before writing your notes and ask yourself:

Which conversation was shaping my coaching more, the one with my client or the one I was having with myself?

 

Until Next Time

Cath